WARNING:
This Product Attracts Every Other Piece of Matter in the Universe, Including the Products of Other Manufacturers,
with a Force Proportional to the Product of the Masses and Inversely Proportional to the Distance Between
them. Safety Humor
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A man named Bob had a little accident. He slipped on a Banana Peel and ended up fracturing his skull. Who's at fault in this situation?
1. Bob, who threw the Banana Peel on the floor.
2. Bob's floor wax manufacturer.
3. The Banana Importer.
4. The Grocery Store that sold them.
5. The newspaper that ran the ad for the bananas.
6. The Banana Farmer that grew them.
If your answer was 2,3,4,5 and/or 6, you are probably Bob's Lawyer!
Top 10 List of how you can tell if your OSHA inspection is going badly...
10. OSHA sets up temporary housing in your parking lot.
9. The Compliance Officer mutters, "This is unbelievable" each time he or she enters a different department.
8. OSHA calls in a professional film crew to document conditions in the plant and a reporter from "60 Minutes" tags along.
7. The Compliance Officer insists on wearing a moon suit supplied with SCBA, while your employees work in jeans and tennis shoes.
6. The Congressman you called for help won't return your call, but he does return your campaign contribution.
5. The Compliance Officer begins the opening conference with the following: "You have the right to remain silent..."
4. The Compliance Officer asks you a specific question about a report in your files, but you haven't turned any over yet.
3. The Compliance Officer knows each of your employees by their first name.
2. The Compliance Officer is a former employee that you fired.
1. Joe Dear conducts the closing conference.
A man went to a factory in his home town to fill out an application for employment. He arrived and began filling out the application for the job, but suddenly stopped. He became confused by the blank after "Person to notify in case of accident".
He paused for a moment then finally wrote, "Anyone in sight."
OSHA Guidelines for Handling of Humorous Materials
1. All posts containing humorous, sarcastic, parodical, and/or satirical passages, or any other post not intended to be taken seriously must be labeled prominently in the header as follows:
a. The Subject header must contain at some point, the string "HA!".
b. The Keywords line shall contain a summary of the hazard levels present in the post, ranked on a scale of 0-4 in the following categories, in the order: humor, sarcasm, satire:
0 -- No hazard
1 -- Slight hazard
2 -- Moderate hazard
3 -- Extreme hazard
4 -- Critical hazard
c. The Summary line shall contain any specific notices of hazard as required under local and state laws.
d. In a satirical or parodical post, a disclaimer should be present in the header to avoid confusion.
2. All humorous, sarcastic, parodical, or satirical remarks within the body of a post must be clearly labeled as follows:
a. Preceded by a clearly-worded warning ten (10) lines in advance.
b. Preceded by a clearly-worded warning one (1) line in advance.
c. Preceded immediately by not less than three (3) smileys of a commonly acceptable variety compliant with Smiley Code paragraph 4, subparagraph b.
d. Followed immediately by not less than three (3) smileys of a commonly acceptable variety compliant with Smiley Code paragraph 4, subparagraph b.
3. Hazards shall be defined as follows:
a. No hazard: Found to contain no more than 1.5 times background contamination levels in no less than two (2) independent tests.
b. Slight hazard: Contamination exists in amounts greater than 1.5 times background levels, yet have been deemed insufficient in no less than two (2) independent tests to be capable of bodily harm during casual exposure.
c. Moderate hazard: Significant risk of bodily harm due to prolonged and/or excessive exposure and/or slight risk of bodily harm due to casual exposure, as determined in no less than two (2) independent tests.
d. Extreme hazard: Significant risk of bodily harm due to casual exposure, as determined in no less than two (2) independent tests.
e. Critical hazard: Significant risk of bodily harm due to ANY exposure not compliant with any and all codes pertaining to the handling of hazardous materials.
4. Those posts containing materials deemed critical hazards must not be handled except by trained personnel in compliance with any and all codes pertaining to the handling of hazardous materials.
Perhaps we should start putting these warnings on all our products as according to many current theories of Physics these are true:
WARNING:
This Product Attracts Every Other Piece of Matter in the Universe, Including the Products of Other Manufacturers,
with a Force Proportional to the Product of the Masses and Inversely Proportional to the Distance Between
them.
CAUTION:
The Mass of This Product Contains the Energy Equivalent of 85 Million Tons of TNT per Net Ounce of Weight.
HANDLE
WITH EXTREME CARE: This Product Contains Minute Electrically Charged Particles Moving at Velocities in
Excess of Five Hundred Million Miles Per Hour.
CONSUMER
NOTICE: Because of the "Uncertainty Principle," It Is Impossible for the Consumer to Find Out
at the Same Time Both Precisely Where This Product Is and How Fast It Is Moving.
ADVISORY:
There is an Extremely Small but Nonzero Chance That, Through a Process Know as "Tunneling,"
This Product May Spontaneously Disappear from Its Present Location and Reappear at Any Random Place in
the Universe, Including Your Neighbor's Domicile. The Manufacturer Will Not Be Responsible for Any Damages
or Inconvenience That May Result.
READ
THIS BEFORE OPENING PACKAGE: According to Certain Suggested Versions of the Grand Unified Theory, the
Primary Particles Constituting this Product May Decay to Nothingness Within the Next Four Hundred Million
Years.
THIS
IS A 100% MATTER PRODUCT: In the Unlikely Event That This Merchandise Should Contact Antimatter in Any
Form, a Catastrophic Explosion Will Result.
PUBLIC
NOTICE AS REQUIRED BY LAW: Any Use of This Product, in Any Manner Whatsoever, Will Increase the Amount
of Disorder in the Universe. Although No Liability Is Implied Herein, the Consumer Is Warned That This
Process Will Ultimately Lead to the Heat Death of the Universe.
ATTENTION:
Despite Any Other Listing of Product Contents Found Hereon, the Consumer is Advised That, in Actuality,
This Product Consists Of 99.9999999999% Empty Space.
NEW
GRAND UNIFIED THEORY DISCLAIMER: The Manufacturer May Technically Be Entitled to Claim That This Product
Is Ten-Dimensional. However, the Consumer Is Reminded That This Confers No Legal Rights Above and Beyond
Those Applicable to Three-Dimensional Objects, Since the Seven New Dimensions Are, "Rolled Up"
into Such a Small "Area" That They Cannot Be Detected.
PLEASE
NOTE: Some Quantum Physics Theories Suggest That When the Consumer Is Not Directly Observing This Product,
It May Cease to Exist or Will Exist Only in a Vague and Undetermined State.
IMPORTANT
NOTICE TO PURCHASERS: The Entire Physical Universe, Including This Product, May One Day Collapse Back
into an Infinitesimally Small Space. Should Another Universe Subsequently Re-emerge, the Existence of
This Product in That Universe Cannot Be Guaranteed.
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